Scars

I don’t think there is anyone in this world who can stand up and say that they never ever had struggles in their lives, either as a kid growing up, as a teenager, a young adult, or even as an adult. You go on with life, you never deal with your struggles and now it is tormenting you. Question is can you be saved from yourself? The answer is yes, but are you willing to seek for help before it’s too late, or will you seek for help when there is still time. One thing remains true and that is the enemy doesn’t want you to confess your struggles, so that he can keep tormenting you and reminding you that you cannot be helped. Well I am here to tell you something different, you can get help for each and every struggle that you are facing, but you have to take the first step of faith, and declare what you are struggling with and take it to the Lord.

Let me share my own experience, my own life struggle, something that I battled with for the longest time in my life, and the worst part was, I never told anyone. No one knows what I am about to say now, except God of course! I struggled with anger issues as a young person, I didn’t know the meaning of forgiveness. If you did something to me, I carried it for ever and ever, I never let it go, and every time I kept reminding myself that if someone hurt me, they ought not to be in my life. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, or rather, even the friends I had, I couldn’t share my problem with them. My heart was so full of carrying everyone and everything, but who was I to talk to? Who was I to tell. I thought to myself that if I ever told my parents I had anger issues, maybe they would get even mad with me and beat me up. I couldn’t talk to my sisters, or my close relatives, I knew if I did they would see me differently as a weirdo, and that for me was even worse. And so I shut down, those who know me very well, know that I take a lot of time before I can open up to anyone, that was my way of protecting myself (at least I thought it was).

On the eve of 1st January 2014, I got into an argument with my husband, it was so heated up that I didn’t even know myself. I dashed into the kitchen and took a knife, I had reached the breaking point, I had enough of everything and I wanted to end it all there and then. When He saw the knife, he was shocked, he thought I wanted to kill him, but I didn’t, I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to end bottling every single thing in my heart. I wanted to explored, I was so angry, I knew that what I was going through wasn’t godly at all, it was evil, Its like something came all over me, and I couldn’t control it anymore. As I was about to stab myself, my husband got hold of my hand and tried to remove the knife from me, but I was too strong and I wasn’t about to let it go and the battle continued. I don’t know what happened next, because I managed to pull my hands from his and the sharp side of the knife cut me just above my eye, on my eyebrows. Immediately there was blood and a pool of blood for that matter, and when I saw that I was bleeding, that’s when reality hit me and I dropped the knife down. I fell down, crying wondering to myself, “what was I thinking, what got hold of me?.” I remember I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, because my eyes were so swollen and in pain. He called for help, but I still didn’t want help from anyone, why would anyone want to help me? I wanted to finish my own life.

Eventually on the 2nd of January 2014, I agreed that I had a problem, I realised that I couldn’t handle it on my own and so I seeked help from God. Was it easy at first? no it wasn’t, infact, I almost had a relapse, but by the Grace of God, I didn’t pick up a knife, I just beat up the guy who offended me silly! Am I proud of it? no!, But guess what, I am still a work in progress in His sight! I am not perfect, no, not for 1 minute, am nowhere to being perfect, I have my flaws, I have my struggles, but God who is so Gracious and Just, still loves me. Today I wanted to share my own personal story, praying that it will help someone else out there. I know my phone will keep ringing, people will ask why I didn’t feel safe in talking to them, I didn’t know what I was doing then, I was stupid, I was silly, yeah go right ahead and call me all sorts of names. For me to reach here and talk about how God has delivered me, that alone is a miracle! What the enemy thought he could bring me down with, well, he didn’t, am much stronger now! I have learnt the meaning of what it means to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective James 5:16
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The devil wants to bury you with all your struggles, don’t allow him,  today, I pray that we will get the courage to come out of the closet with whatever it is that we struggle with. Jesus is still in the business of dealing with everything that is messy, don’t think that yours will be difficult, no it will not. Don’t allow the devil to make you feel ashamed of whatever it is that you are going through, bring it to the light and allow the Price of Light to deal with it. I promise you, He will not disappoint, I have tried Him and He’s the best there is out there. Expose the struggle, and find your healing.

There, I said it, my name is Cynthia Wanjiru Gitonga and I had serious anger/rage issues, but by the grace of God, I am completely healed. The scar on my face remains as a reminder to remind me of where I was, and where I will never go back to! From 2014, my life and my relationship with God, took a different direction, I have come to know Him more than I ever did.

Blessings!!

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