I journaled this end of March, and somehow wasn’t able to share, but now I can. 2nd of April was my dad’s 5th anniversary since he left us on the early dreadful morning at 2:15am in the morning.
It’s hard to believe that’s its already being 5years, like where did the time go? Truth be told, 2nd of April will always remain a trigger for me and I believe for my family too. Its one of those days that you can’t seem to forget or try to erase from your memory, it’s a date that will forever be etched in my mind.
Consiously we remember birthdays, wedding anniversaries, graduations and all the important dates in which we celebrate ourselves and loved ones. However, whether we like to admit it or not, the date that we loose our loved ones is one that we also cannot forget. It reminds us that they existed, they walked this earth, they had dreams and aspirations, they loved and laughed and those are moments that cannot be taken away from a grieving person. Does it get easy as the years progress? I can’t speak for others but honestly, I get heart palpitations around this time and the reason is I also remember the events that led to his final breadth of life. The sickness, the pain that he had to endure and the fact that due to covid restrictions, he was all alone at the hospital when it happened – this breaks my heart into a million pieces. Knowing that there is absolutely nothing that I could have done… oh the pain 😭…Oh my days!! Oh death where is your sting!
The journey hasn’t being easy and it just confirms that grief doesn’t expire, it’s a journey which we will carry in our hearts and it becomes part of who we now become. There are moments where I didn’t expect to cry but I did, because that’s what grief does, it sneaks up on you. One of these moments was when my youngest son brought up this conversation. It all begun when he came from school and he had homework on the cycle of human life, which he was supposed to draw the different stages. When I asked him to say the stages, he mentioned them all and then asked, “I don’t have a grandfather right?” my whole body was shaking and my breathing changed, I didn’t know how to answer him, but I also knew I had to because he has now reached an age that he understands. So I told him, “yes my love, unfortunately your grandfather passed away when you were little.” At this moment I am balancing tears but I still want to be strong so that I give him all the answers he needs. Then he continues, “he died because of corona,” say what now? at this point I am perplexed because when my father died, this boy was 2years old, I didn’t even think he would remember how my father died, let alone from what! And so I asked him, “how do you remember all this?” and he said, “I just do, I even remember his face,” at this point, my eyes couldn’t hold on to all the tears and I just let them flow and my son came and hugged me.
That’s why am saying ‘grief doesn’t expire, it just comes in places and moments you didn’t expect and the memories, tears all follow together. I had to now explain to my son what exactly happened and why he doesn’t have a grandfather, was it easy? NO!! What breaks my heart more is that my yougest son didn’t get to experiece and know his grandfather like his brothers did, and boy did they have great moments and fun together. Take for example, my oldest son got his first drone controlled helicopter from his grandfather and from there his love and fascination of drones grew and now he is a drone pilot. Dad was simply amazing with all his grandchildren, words cannot begin to describe how amazing he was. Then again that’s what loss does to you, it reaps you apart of the future of what could have been and all your left with is memories, beautiful memories which you hold on to!
Fifth anniversary is here, the tears still roll, the heart still aches but the acceptance has finally come 💔 a painfull acceptance that I will never see my father on this side of earth ever again – that is the hardest thing to write, but it’s a truth I have battled with and it’s a truth that I will hold in my heart.
What has been my coping mechanism? Frankly, I don’t know how, but I will make a statement which others may say its cliché, but it’s the truth – “Its being God all this time.” Yes I have journalled my thoughts, I have shared my story on social media as a way of healing, but truth be told, God has being at the center of it all. He’s The One who comforts when there was no one else in the room, He is The One who gave me peace when thoughts and worries overwhelmed me, its always being Him and will forever remain to be Him.
The hope that I have as a believer is this, even in this pain that I have gone through, God will one day take it all away and Revelation 21:4 says is beautifully, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
God bless you 💙
Cynthia Gitonga Blog 