Grief In The Quiet Places

No one ever prepares you for the silence that follows after you have buried your loved one! Have you ever thought of how grief looks like in silence? What most people don’t see that only those who are grieving do? I’ll tell you. Reality dawns in, the reality that you will never see your loved one ever again on this side of earth. You will never hear them speak, you will never hear them laugh, you will never take photos together or go for a drive. You will never have a meal together or just sit down and chill and vibe together. All that has been taken away from you and all that your left with is the memories.

I remember preparing the burial arrangements together with family and making sure that everything was going on well, and while I did this, I didn’t quite mourn. I laughed and smiled with the crowds who came to offer us support, but in my confusion, I cried myself to sleep in the middle of the night. Some nights I would be lucky and I would fall asleep quickly, other nights my mind got the best of me and I just couldn’t sleep, staying awake looking at photos, reading messages that dad sent me and vice versa. The headaches came and pulled a seat, sitting comfortably and not moving a muscle, they made my head a permanent position for themselves. 

Finally, the burial was done and friends and family had to go back to their way of lives. The house became empty and the kitchen where many meals were made was now a shell of its old self. No more making food and tea for the masses, it was now just family – this was all that was left. I stayed with my mum and my little sister and we encouraged each other, cried together some more as we remembered dad and just tried to make sense of all that was happening. A week or two later, the burial photos came and I was first to look at the photo album – this was the day that I started my mourning. I remember looking at the photos and I released such a wail! I wailed, I literally wailed and screamt and it left mum and my sister Nadia wondering what was happening to me. It’s like my mind had been playing tricks on me and now the reality was slowing coming into perspective and my body just couldn’t comprehend and take it all in. 

The days that followed were hard, friends called to check in but I just looked at the phone and I let it ring. I knew what they wanted to say that they loved me and were praying for me but I just didn’t want to hear it at all. I knew they meant well, I do but I just couldn’t handle all that I was going through! My emotions were all over the place, one minute I would be okay and the next minute I had a flashback of my father and I pushed my head back to pull the tears away least anyone else saw me. I bargained with God, I asked Him why on so many occasions! I reminded Him how we prayed, how we fasted and how we believed for a miracle. I reminded Him the many whatsapp groups that were opened and had been praying for dad by the hour by different people all over world, but still nothing! I guess it was my minds way of coping – bargaining with God. I also think God just looked at me with His loving eyes and didn’t condemn me as I asked all these questions that I had for Him, and He held me in His sweet embrace, you know why? In the midst of all this confusion, I didn’t loose my mind. Yes I was sad, depressed, bargained with God but He kept me sane, yes He did and for that I give Him all the Glory. The fact of the matter remains this – God remains Sovereign no matter what we go through! And His Sovereignity isn’t pegged on what He gives us, the miracles He performs or how best our lives are. He remains Sovereign both in the good and the bad, life and death. God chose to heal my father the eternal way and that is something that I have now accepted. I had written a prayer in my phone journal and I asked God to give dad a new set of lungs, He answered in a way that I didn’t expect it – the eternal way. 

Still in the quiet places, I didn’t go out with friends, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, how could I anyway? How could I be happy while my heart was ripping apart in pain? I also didn’t reply to messages sent to my phone, I just didn’t have the strength to do it. Someone might think well then its your fault, people were there for you, you simply pushed them away! Allow me to enlighten you. The pain that grief brings to people, makes them not even think about anyone else because our world has completely shattered, how could I think about having fun and pleasing other people? I just want to be by myself and not have to explain to anyone why my moods keep shifting here and there. I didn’t want to be judged or told am being mean and to avoid all these negative comments, people who are grieving will lock themselves away. However, during the weekends we were lucky to have some extended family over and the house would feel warm again with laughter – making you forget just for a few hours the pain you were experiencing. 

Looking back now, I honestly think I lost some friendships in that season. People whom we were close with but for some reason or another, couldn’t understand I was grieving and because I am not a confrontational person, I let them be – I kept quiet. Grief taught me on how to deal with issues I wasn’t ready to deal with them – I kept them safely in small boxes and packed them at the back of my mind. If I wasn’t ready to deal with it, it went straight into the box and stayed there until I was ready. This was my minds way of coping and dealing with all that I had on my plate. Was it easy no! It hurt me to the core that many people didn’t know or understand that when one is grieving, they just arent themselves. Silence became my best friend and journalling when I could also came in. 

What do I wish others knew about grief and silence? I wish people would understand that a grieving person just doesn’t have the words to say and express all the pain they feel in their hearts. Their world has just completely shattered and they are in denial of everything that has taken place. Don’t be angry at someone who has just lost a loved one and they don’t seem to have the energy they had before. Don’t be angry or send them messages that would make them feel bad for not attending your function – they honestly can’t be there for you right now even if they wanted to. Give them time to heal. Don’t send them messages of ‘oh you’ve changed,’ guess what, yes they’ve changed and they will never be the same again. They will be labeled a widow, widower, orphan, fatherless or motherless, without a brother or sister, uncle, aunty etc and that is a reality that they are yet to accept for themselves. 

How then does support look like for me when I’m silent? If you have a friend or family member who’s lost someone, pray for them on a daily basis. Pray that they don’t lose their minds on this dark grieving journey. Go to where they are instead of asking them to come over to where you are. When they cry, don’t tell them not to cry, hug them and allow them to express the pain, anger or confusion they have in their hearts, just sit there and listen without saying, ‘I know what your going through.’ My dear loved ones, you don’t have the slightest idea of what they are going through. Remember each death is different from the other, your pain is not their pain therefore don’t rationalize. Send them encouraging messages once in a while, they may not reply but trust me they appreciate it. Sit in the silence with them and do absolutely nothing. Be there, whether physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

How does grief show up on the days I least expect it? Grief has triggers and everyone’s triggers are different from the others. Mine is the sound of an Ambulance, seeing a person with an intubation pipe or just the word covid. I took my father to hospital in an ambulance and it’s an experience that I don’t think I will ever forget. He was admitted due to covid 19 and after a few days in hospital, he was intubated with a pipe to help him breath. I could be watching a movie and I see a scene whereby someone has been intubated and I would just start crying because that particular scene has reminded me of how I last saw my father. When I drive and I hear the sound of an ambulance, my mind just goes on a frenzy. Grief has a way of making you feel you’re okay and doing well, and then boom! A sound, a picture, a text or even food that your loved one loved and all off a sudden your at a low place again and just cant seem to pull yourself together. 

So yeah grief is a journey that no one ever prepares themselves for. A painful experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone but unfortunately, its one that we will experience in this journey called life. I am not sharing all this to spite anyone, am sharing to shed light into a space that many are afraid to speak about. I don’t want to glorify death or pain, but I want to acknowledge and highlight that grief is dark and the enemy uses this pain to put words of negativity into our lives. When I first lost my son at 3 months, I hated God and didn’t step into church for 1 whole year! I know I am not the only one who might have seemed to abandon God at such a time. Many people have gone into depression, others have committed suicide because the pain was too much for them to bare. Others have backslided and gone back to their old ways and abandoned their salvation. At the moment we need God the most, we abandon Him because we think that He doesn’t care. GOD cares so much for us, He does. It’s our pain that confuses our minds and makes us think that He’s a bad person. He is a good God no matter the situation we face in life. 

If your grieving, don’t put God on the side. Cry in His presence and allow Him to heal your broken heart. Remember the words in Isaiah 61:3, “To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” He feels our pain and He heals our broken hearts, trust Him with yours and experience a whole new you. 

With love,
Cynthia Gitonga – Theuri