Finding God…

For the past week, I haven’t being consistent in writing, my son was admitted in hospital for his appendix and he was in a lot of pain. It was a trying moment, I must admit, at first the doctors weren’t even sure what they were dealing with, test after test, x-ray after x-ray, pain medication, but still nothing was showing up, and as a mother, I was troubled. Having to see him go through so much pain, I must admit, it reached a point I couldn’t pray anymore, not because I didn’t believe in God, or I didn’t believe that God was going to heal him, but I guess I was both physically and emotionally drained. In the midst of it all, I never showed anyone that I wasn’t okay. I tried to keep up, I smiled most of the times, but I was loaded of worrying that took a toil on my face my eyes were heavy. Most of my friends say am strong and I know that God is the one who gives me this strength, without Him I don’t even know what I would do. However, this particular week I didn’t want to be strong, I didn’t want to seem as if I was holding everything all together, I didn’t want to be okay, because I wasn’t. I just wanted to cry myself to sleep like a baby and have someone carry me and hushing me.

Finally the doctors find the problem and my son has to go to theatre, I remember the doctor bringing me the consent forms for me to sign. My husband was out of town and was due to come back the next day, how I wished he was the one to sign the forms and I didn’t have to. I mean by me signing, I felt like I was giving legal authority to the doctors over my son and truth be told I had mixed emotions. Yes I was explained to the procedure, yes I knew that my son was going to get better, but I was also scared at the same time, what if something went wrong? In my heart I knew what the right thing to do was, but still it terrified me, I signed and when the doctors left, I cried and the words that came out of my mouth were, “Lord take control of everything, because I can’t.” Morning comes and they come to take him away, thats when it dawned on him that this is actually happening and he starts to cry, and am thinking, oh God please make him stop, I was battling tears myself and I couldn’t allow him to see that. I had to be strong for both of us, thank God for the good nurses who managed to calm him down and so he went in. From here, God gave me peace, peace that I cannot explain, in the midst of all the chaos in my life, I was now calm.

I knew that it was okay, not to be okay because some things are beyond us, beyond our control, but this God who calms the storms, calmed the storm in me. He made a way, when my back was against the wall, He took charge! I must admit it felt so good to let everything go unto Him, I didn’t have to carry the weight anymore.

God has been good, in Him I take shelter, in Him I am OK. Everyday is a learning process, everyday I get to know Him more than I knew Him before, but you have to allow Him to work, you have to give Him space to work. Everyone who has ever being employed knows all too well what it means to have someone give them space as they work. No one ever wants a boss who is always on their case, no one! And so this week I thank God because He showed me that sometimes we crowd Him up when He’s working in our lives. We don’t give Him the space that He needs, we are always wanting to ‘Help’ Him, forgetting that God doesn’t need any help from us, He only needs our submission and us letting everything go to Him. And When we let go, we let Him have His space as He works in us. He’s a good and perfect God, everything will be okay.

My son is healing well, he’s out of hospital and he’s even resumed school today. I know that God is going to watch over him and protect him.