If I should say that I wasn’t angry at God at some point in my grief journey, I would be lying. I wrestled with God on so many nights, giving Him pointers on how everything should have turned out, at least according to my own limited thinking. At some point in my grief journey, there were moments I felt so hopeless and wondered where God was in the pain that I was feeling. As far as I was concerned at that time, I couldn’t see Him because all I saw around me was loss and pain. That’s what grief does to you; it takes you to a whole new level of darkness where all you see is darkness so deep that you can actually feel it. Truth be told this is the phase that the enemy takes advantage of us in those vulnerable moments and he fills our minds with so many thoughts that make us doubt the very existence of God.
It reminded me of how the enemy tried to tempt Jesus when He was at His weakest, He was hungry having fasted for fourty days and fourty nights. In Matthew 4:2, the devil came to Him and asked Him, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” Clearly we see that the devil looks for the ‘best opportunity’ that we might sin, fall or curse God and that is why we need to always be prepared and fight back with what God’s Word says. Jesus answered the devil with a classic comeback, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” So yes in my anger towards God, I was still aware that He is Sovereign over everything that takes place in this world. This kept me sober minded and reminded me that God see’s it all and absolutely nothing catches Him by surprise.
In my journal I remember writing down some very deep and if I should say, thoughtful questions which I would like to share today.
- Where did death come from?
- Why do people have to die?
- What’s God’s reaction when we lose someone we love?
- When you pray and still lose them, does it mean it was God’s will?
- What does His will really mean?
- Is there such a thing as premature death?
- What is the Christian model of grieving? Is it okay to question God?
- Can you truly move on when you loose a loved one?
- Will we recognise our loved ones in Heaven?
From these questions I realised there was so much I didn’t know about loss, grief and death because these are topics that are rarely talked about in our homes and for the majority of us, its seen as a taboo. One wouldn’t even dare ask anything related to death, or you’d be seen as a heretic. However, I was so disgruntled with the many answers that I didn’t have and I knew that one day, by the grace of God, I would do research and talk about it, but I just didn’t know when or even if I would have the strength, but I knew God had placed a burden in me even in the midst of all the confusion.
The biggest test for me as a leader came when I had to lead while in pain — when I was bleeding on the inside but still expected to show up strong on the outside. I was smiling, leading, and serving, yet completely broken from within. For a long time, I thought being strong meant staying silent, but I’ve come to learn that silence can be a very heavy prison.
I had to face a hard truth: I wasn’t leading well. I was pouring from an empty cup, guiding others while I, myself, was lost in the valley — desperately needing help, healing, and grace. That season taught me that true leadership begins when we allow ourselves to be human — when we admit that we’re not always okay, when we ask for help, when we slow down, and when we choose to heal. Because you can’t lead from a place of brokenness; you can only lead from a place of wholeness.
Did I stop praying or reading the Bible? I wouldn’t give a definite yes or no answer to this question but the truth is, I wasn’t consistent. There are days I googled Bible verses on loss, grief and pain and after finding them, I would read the verses and feel comforted and then I would assume that I had done my daily dose of devotion. Somehow my mind couldn’t separate and understand that God was with me in this journey. And the reason I say this is because, one minute I could read a verse, feel comforted and generally be at peace and the next minute I could ask God a question in regards to death, loss and pain and when I didn’t get a response, I resorted to doing what I did best, crying. That’s when I learnt that tears are also a form of prayer. When we lack words to say and cry out to Jesus, He hears and He understands because only He can truly see our hearts, pain and thoughts.
The biggest lesson I learnt during this season is that God’s Love is real and it cannot be equated to anything. God see’s us through all the pain, anger, confusion, shock, rebellion and never at any time does He push us away because we’ve nagged Him in our crying, no! He embraces us even in our weakest moments. He allowed me to feel the pain of loss, but He protected my mind and I didn’t go into depression. He used different people to speak to me in that season and I am forever grateful. Day by day, month by month, my heart began to heal and what started as anger and wrestling with God, went to having honest conversations and some debates with God, but I must admit it was a beautiful time. I was able to read scriptures and got to understand where death came from and why things happen the way they do. However it didn’t stop there, I also got to understand much better, about resurrection of the dead and what it truly meant when Christ said In John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”
These verses are so comforting to a christian believer, and it basically means that life doesn’t end when one passes on, there is hope for those who believe and trust in Jesus Christ. One day those who sleep will awake again and 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 speaks of this so clearly and it states, “for the Lord Himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.“
Life in itself isn’t a walk in the park, we go through highs and lows every day, but we have hope and that hope is found in one resounding Name – Jesus Christ The Son of The Living God. Only He truly knows everything that we go through in life and only He can give us the strength that we need to overcome or go through a tough season. If you’re there and your wrestling with God, you’ve had your questions, doubt and even unbelief, remember this will not separate you from the love that He has for you, absolutely nothing will separate you from His Love. He sticks closer than a brother, He see’s all the pain and heartache that you’ve gone through and I promise you He will heal you of your brokenness and change the trajectory of your life, just TRUST HIM!
Trusting God in your grief journey means, total surrender even when you have no clue how tomorrow will be. My faith has been shaken, but it has also being re-built in ways that I cannot describe. Now more than ever before, I have Faith in God. If God healed me of by brokenness, He will heal you too. Nothing is too big for Him.
God bless you 💛
Cynthia Gitonga Blog 