Started writing this on 6th of December 2021, but somehow, I couldn’t finish it, little did I know that I was awaiting still for another rollercoaster for me to fully write what it means to really be in pain.
Sometimes life takes you on a fast roller coaster tossing you up and down. Just like the roller coaster ride which makes some of us to be dizzy, get a headache or worse still vomit, the roller coaster of life does feel like that sometimes. It feels like there is no end to the pain, no end to the discouragement, it feels like bad things keep happening one after the other and humanly possible, were left with no strength whatsoever. You try to get up but there’s no energy or motivational at all.
It all begun in 2021, with mum getting covid and went from breathing on her own all the way to HDU in less than 24hrs. We couldn’t see her or physically talk to her, and we had to rely on the report and feedback that we received from the doctor. A week after that, my dad was also admitted due to covid and as mum was getting better, dad was getting worse. Having both parents in hospital is the hardest thing that can happen to anyone and let’s just say that I had been operating on zombie mode for some time. On 28th of March 2021, mum was discharged, and it was such a relief, however, we lost my dad on 2nd April 2021 after battling with covid for 2 weeks.
Planning dad’s funeral was the hardest, I took care of everyone else except me. I told myself I was strong, well let’s just say I crushed hard! I was in a never-ending pool of tears at night, crying myself to sleep and when morning came, I was a superwoman yet again I never allowed anyone to see the pain I was going through. I had lost my father, a man that I looked up to, a man I loved so much, a man whom through the years we’d had the most amazing father – daughter relationship, but here I was, crushed and alone. It felt like I was sinking so fast, so deep and I just couldn’t keep up, so I floated to see where the waters would lead me. Some of my friends couldn’t understand, I just couldn’t be who I used to be, and I needed time to pick myself up again.
Fast forward, 2023 starts off easy, then in February, everything starts crumbling down yet again. I lost a very close friend and exactly a week later, still another close friend/relative lost her son through a tragic road accident. We travelled with her together with a few friends to Naivasha to help identify her son’s body. While In Naivasha, I hurt my back and it slowly started aching and I was in pain, but I strained and pushed myself until we finished what we needed to do and drove back to the house. By the time I got home, coming out of the car was a nightmare, I couldn’t lift my legs and I had to drag my feet all the way to the house. I thought once I slept, I would feel better, but I didn’t, I got worse, in the morning I couldn’t sit down, I couldn’t lift myself up and when my son tried to , every bone in my body was aching and so I had to be taken to hospital in an ambulance – imagine that! I was crying the whole time because I remembered dad and how we took him to hospital in an ambulance – everything was playing all over again, fear had crept in.
At the hospital, the doctor orders an x-ray then MRI which revealed a disc bulge and annular tear at L4/L5 and another disc bulge at L5/S1 causing bilateral traversing nerve root contact. Injections, painkillers and a physiotherapy session and I was good to go home, released with further instructions on the do’s and don’ts of what to do and what not to do. Let’s just say things took a different toll. I didn’t get better as I had hoped, in fact the pain got worse and worse. I changed doctors several times thinking they would perform a miracle, but it didn’t happen, they all spoke the same language and I was tired of the back and forth. There were nights I couldn’t sleep at all as the pain was excruciating, absolutely nothing made sense. I went from being able to sit, to I couldn’t sit even for 5 minutes, and I had to spend most of my days lying down, alone I was now so traumatized & crushed. The never-ending roller coaster of pain was not leaving me. What do you do? Everything had changed. I couldn’t go to work, I couldn’t mentor kids like I used to, I couldn’t drive the list is endless to be honest.
But guess what? Even in this pain, I have not lost my faith, I still believe in Jesus Christ the Son of the living God. So, what changed? I stopped focusing on my pain, and I started focusing on Christ. In a season of questioning and doubting, He has literally carried me in this storm and has been my strength, I cannot give anyone else that credit, it goes to Jesus. He has sent people to surround me with prayer, love and visits and I don’t feel alone. I should have lost my mind, but I didn’t. I should have been depressed, but I wasn’t and it’s all because of Jesus – He has been my shield. So yes, I have been through the rollercoaster of life, I have lost loved ones, I have gone through hard times in the form of sickness, but one thing has been constant – God has never left my sight.
Well, am sure some might be asking, if God is with you, why hasn’t He healed you? Well, He is Sovereign no matter what we go through in life and He’s Sovereignty isn’t pegged on what He gives us, but on His personality and character which do not change. He has changed my perspective on how I look at things, it’s no longer about the pain, but the lessons which He’s teaching me in this season, He’s changing me every single day and I know He will receive the Glory in my life. My situation didn’t catch Him by surprise no, as James writes in chapter 1:2 “count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds,” and as Paul writes in Romans 12:12, “rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation and constant in prayer.” Now more than ever I am aware of many things that I grateful for. For me to wake up, breath in and out is a blessing and an answered prayer and it gives me a reason to praise Him.
Romans 8:28 “All things work together for good.” I know one day I will look back and say, “look what the Lord has done.” Today, I just want to encourage someone, you who is going through so much today, you who has lost a loved one, you who doesn’t know what tomorrow holds, God has not abandoned you, He is right there with you in the middle of the storm, and as He told His disciples in the boat not to fear, He is telling you the same thing.
Just as He was with Daniel in the lion’s den, or when He was with Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego in the fiery furnace, He is there with you now. That situation will not be your downfall, He is working all things for your good. And remember that when God doesn’t change a situation, He is changing you, be still and listen to what He is communicating to you. Yes, it may take longer than expected, but don’t give up, soon the sun will shine again, the rains will pour on your garden and soon you will bloom again – just hold on!
Blessings!!
Cynthia Gitonga Blog 